04
Mon, Nov
1 New Articles

Signs of Life

Commentary
Typography
  • Smaller Small Medium Big Bigger
  • Default Helvetica Segoe Georgia Times

Victoria, the virtuous editor, suggested that I pass some information along to you as a public service. Public service? Whose columns has she been reading? Certainly not mine. I'm unwaveringly dedicated to messing with the public's mind as much and as widely as my limited abilities and readership allow. Oh well, just this once.

According to Victoria and a February 26, 2006, New York Times article titled "Your Call Should Be Important to Us, but It's Not," someone has developed a Web site that will help you quickly wend your way through the dense "press one for ..." telephone jungles that have sprouted at most companies, without the customary risk of accidentally descending into telephone hell along the way. Being an intrepid journalist, I took the unusual step (unusual for me) of taking the time to check the story out. It's true. The Web site exists and offers the information that the article says it offers, although I haven't bothered to verify the data's accuracy. That would be too much like work for my liking.

The Web site, gethuman.com, is free and claims to be powered by over one million consumers. It offers a database of phone numbers and the "secret" (at least, they used to be secret) Integrated Voice Response (IVR) system codes that you need to get past the computer in order to speak to a real, live human being. Human beings—you remember them. Of course, getting past the IVR system doesn't stop you from hearing "your call is important to us, please stay on the line to retain your priority sequence" 537 times while you wait for an operator to finish aggravating another caller or for another operator to get back from his or her coffee break, whichever comes first.

Learning of this site was a shock for me. I thought companies had long ago dismissed all of the humans in their customer service departments and converted them into customer disservice departments in order to save money while still competing with others in their industry to see who can most piss off the greatest number of customers fastest. You didn't know about that little contest, did you? It's an industry secret. Who knew there were still a few people around for us to talk to?

My hate for IVRs should come as no surprise. They were the subject of one of my early columns in this more than a year-and-a-half-old adventure called MC Tips 'N Tirades. (If you missed my IVR tirade, "Press Four for Frustration," it's in my book, BYTE-ing Satire. Who am I to pass up an opportunity for a good plug?) I don't like IVRs any more now than I did then. So a Web site that tells me how to avoid most of their frustration sounds like a great idea.

Of course, you know me. My philosophy is that every silver lining has a cloud, so I do see a few problems. First, the information is available only on the Web. The people who would appreciate this service the most are technophobes, many of whom don't surf the Web. It might come as a surprise to you, the digerati, but some folks would never see my online column unless someone else printed a copy and manually handed it to them. (Hi, Mom.) I know that these people (at least my mother) would greatly appreciate the ability to evade quickly the Silicon Sallies that companies foist on us when we try to call for service. Therefore, rather than just putting them on a Web site, I think these codes should be printed in the phone book right beside the company's number—although the company that publishes the book would probably accidentally leave the codes off its listing.

What's another problem? Most likely, you've heard this request: "Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed recently." Of course you have. What do you want to bet that you'll be hearing it a lot more often if gethuman.com catches on? I mean, come on. It's not as if companies actually want to have to talk to their valued customers. Heaven forbid. They'll be bobbing, weaving, and changing their menu options as often as it takes to successfully stay one step ahead of gethuman.com and to, what is their ultimate goal, avoid us customers like we're the plague or an insurance salesman.

Another issue is cost. Companies aren't doing this IVR thing just because they're run by a bunch of antisocial, reclusive twerps. OK, some of them are, but it's probably no more than 75%. The rest are doing it because it costs a lot less to frustrate us using computers rather than people. Computers can, after all, annoy us much faster than humans and computers take it in their stride when we justifiably but fruitlessly yell, scream, and swear at them. Humans tend to burn out quickly when hearing that hundreds of times a day, even though it may be equally justifiable and fruitless. And, because they don't suffer from human error, computers are much less likely to accidentally provide us with the help we are calling to get.

If we all learn the secret codes needed to break through the great wall that has been set up to separate us from customer service people, companies might have to start spending more money (or even some money) on customer service. And you know who's going to end up paying for that, don't you? It's not the CEOs. Then again, if you read the business papers, it seems a CEO's bonus is inversely proportional to the company's profitability, so it might be in his or her best interest to spend more of the firm's money on serving us and not raise prices to compensate for it. I'm not here to dictate to them. It's just a suggestion for any CEOs of the companies I buy stuff from who might be reading this. (If you are reading this, considering that your shareholders are paying you millions of dollars a year, don't you think it's time to get back to work?)

But what's the biggest problem with gethuman.com? The biggest problem is that it currently lists codes only for the United States and the United Kingdom. The rest of the world needs to be united against these evil IVRs too. If gethuman.com or a copycat site doesn't expand the reach of this information to include Canada soon, I may have to move to the U.S. or U.K. to retain the microscopic shred of sanity I still possess. Oh, shut up. Yes, I do still have a shred.

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. He is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. If he does find the need to move, he doesn't yet know whether he will choose the U.S. or U.K. The U.S. is geographically and culturally closer, but if he moved to the U.K., he would finally have a use for all of the U's he's had to cast aside when, as part of his labors (labours), he's written colorfully (colourfully) for American publications and clients. And people in the U.K. know what the last letter of the alphabet is really called.

Joel Klebanoff

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto.


MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.

BYTE-ing Satire BYTE-ing Satire
Find out the hilarious answer to the eternal question: "Is technology more hindrance than help?"
List Price $14.95

Now On Sale

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

LATEST COMMENTS

Support MC Press Online

$

Book Reviews

Resource Center

  • SB Profound WC 5536 Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application. You can find Part 1 here. In Part 2 of our free Node.js Webinar Series, Brian May teaches you the different tooling options available for writing code, debugging, and using Git for version control. Brian will briefly discuss the different tools available, and demonstrate his preferred setup for Node development on IBM i or any platform. Attend this webinar to learn:

  • SB Profound WP 5539More than ever, there is a demand for IT to deliver innovation. Your IBM i has been an essential part of your business operations for years. However, your organization may struggle to maintain the current system and implement new projects. The thousands of customers we've worked with and surveyed state that expectations regarding the digital footprint and vision of the company are not aligned with the current IT environment.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT Generic IBM announced the E1080 servers using the latest Power10 processor in September 2021. The most powerful processor from IBM to date, Power10 is designed to handle the demands of doing business in today’s high-tech atmosphere, including running cloud applications, supporting big data, and managing AI workloads. But what does Power10 mean for your data center? In this recorded webinar, IBMers Dan Sundt and Dylan Boday join IBM Power Champion Tom Huntington for a discussion on why Power10 technology is the right strategic investment if you run IBM i, AIX, or Linux. In this action-packed hour, Tom will share trends from the IBM i and AIX user communities while Dan and Dylan dive into the tech specs for key hardware, including:

  • Magic MarkTRY the one package that solves all your document design and printing challenges on all your platforms. Produce bar code labels, electronic forms, ad hoc reports, and RFID tags – without programming! MarkMagic is the only document design and print solution that combines report writing, WYSIWYG label and forms design, and conditional printing in one integrated product. Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Request your trial now!  Request Now.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericForms of ransomware has been around for over 30 years, and with more and more organizations suffering attacks each year, it continues to endure. What has made ransomware such a durable threat and what is the best way to combat it? In order to prevent ransomware, organizations must first understand how it works.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericIT security is a top priority for businesses around the world, but most IBM i pros don’t know where to begin—and most cybersecurity experts don’t know IBM i. In this session, Robin Tatam explores the business impact of lax IBM i security, the top vulnerabilities putting IBM i at risk, and the steps you can take to protect your organization. If you’re looking to avoid unexpected downtime or corrupted data, you don’t want to miss this session.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericCan you trust all of your users all of the time? A typical end user receives 16 malicious emails each month, but only 17 percent of these phishing campaigns are reported to IT. Once an attack is underway, most organizations won’t discover the breach until six months later. A staggering amount of damage can occur in that time. Despite these risks, 93 percent of organizations are leaving their IBM i systems vulnerable to cybercrime. In this on-demand webinar, IBM i security experts Robin Tatam and Sandi Moore will reveal:

  • FORTRA Disaster protection is vital to every business. Yet, it often consists of patched together procedures that are prone to error. From automatic backups to data encryption to media management, Robot automates the routine (yet often complex) tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAManaging messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. Messages need a response and resources must be monitored—often over multiple systems and across platforms. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events? Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAThe thought of printing, distributing, and storing iSeries reports manually may reduce you to tears. Paper and labor costs associated with report generation can spiral out of control. Mountains of paper threaten to swamp your files. Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing. Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAFor over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i. With batch job creation and scheduling at its core, the Robot Job Scheduling Solution reduces the opportunity for human error and helps you maintain service levels, automating even the biggest, most complex runbooks. Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:

  • LANSA Business users want new applications now. Market and regulatory pressures require faster application updates and delivery into production. Your IBM i developers may be approaching retirement, and you see no sure way to fill their positions with experienced developers. In addition, you may be caught between maintaining your existing applications and the uncertainty of moving to something new.

  • LANSAWhen it comes to creating your business applications, there are hundreds of coding platforms and programming languages to choose from. These options range from very complex traditional programming languages to Low-Code platforms where sometimes no traditional coding experience is needed. Download our whitepaper, The Power of Writing Code in a Low-Code Solution, and:

  • LANSASupply Chain is becoming increasingly complex and unpredictable. From raw materials for manufacturing to food supply chains, the journey from source to production to delivery to consumers is marred with inefficiencies, manual processes, shortages, recalls, counterfeits, and scandals. In this webinar, we discuss how:

  • The MC Resource Centers bring you the widest selection of white papers, trial software, and on-demand webcasts for you to choose from. >> Review the list of White Papers, Trial Software or On-Demand Webcast at the MC Press Resource Center. >> Add the items to yru Cart and complet he checkout process and submit

  • Profound Logic Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application.

  • SB Profound WC 5536Join us for this hour-long webcast that will explore:

  • Fortra IT managers hoping to find new IBM i talent are discovering that the pool of experienced RPG programmers and operators or administrators with intimate knowledge of the operating system and the applications that run on it is small. This begs the question: How will you manage the platform that supports such a big part of your business? This guide offers strategies and software suggestions to help you plan IT staffing and resources and smooth the transition after your AS/400 talent retires. Read on to learn: