29
Fri, Nov
0 New Articles

Let the Gift-Giving Begin

Commentary
Typography
  • Smaller Small Medium Big Bigger
  • Default Helvetica Segoe Georgia Times

The next couple of weeks will see the arrival of Christmas, Hanukah, and the holidays of a few other religions that I'm not nearly as familiar with as I should be in this age of political correctness. No doubt, some of you haven't yet been able to buy gifts for everyone on your list, and if you get a chance to glance at a calendar, you will soon be overcome by extreme panic. Not being of a religious persuasion that compels me to feel obliged to do much holiday shopping at this time of year, I likely have considerably more free hours than you have right now. So, as a public service, I've sacrificed some of my time in order to hunt for a few unique presents that you can put under your tree, menorah, or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I know, doing this for you without any thought of a reward proves what an incredibly munificent, altruistic human being I am. You can thank me later.

Where does one go to find unique gifts? Where else but eBay? Here's what I found.

If your list includes any incredibly annoying boors who think the ring tones that came with their cell phones are not maddening enough to adequately irritate the people around them, this might be the present for them. Someone is offering a CD filled with cell phone ring tones for just $1.99 plus a shipping charge of $8.95. Unfortunately, the eBay listing did not offer any audio samples, so I can't verify that the tones will be sufficiently irksome for the recipients of this gift, but the eBay listing displayed a whole host of pictures of near-naked, voluptuous women who didn't seem to have anything whatsoever to do with what was being sold, so the ring tones have to be good.

Here's the perfect present for anyone totally lacking even the vaguest hint of good taste: The Boob Tube Universal Remote. The opening bid for this item was $9.95 when I checked it out, or you can buy it outside of the auction for just $14.95. What is it? As the name suggests, it's a universal remote control for all of your home audio/video equipment. How does it differ from other universal remotes? The not-so-subtle "Boob Tube" in the name is a clue. The remote is shaped like an amply endowed female torso. Don't worry. It comes bikini-clad. Most of the more frequently used controls are immediately accessible, but to get at some of the others you have to lift up the bikini top or pull down the bottom. Decorum and MC Press do not allow me to describe these controls in more detail. I don't know about you, but for me, nothing embodies the spirit of Christmas like a remote control in the shape of a large-breasted, anatomically correct female torso. Then again, I've never celebrated the holiday myself, so it's possible that I've misunderstood what it's all about.

For the people on your list who enjoy non-electronic games, here's something that looks like a lot of fun: a Water Squirt Arm Wrestler. It comes with two arm wrests and two squirt balls. The eBay listing doesn't include much descriptive text, but it appears from the picture that when you overpower your opponent in an arm wrestle, the gadget squirts him or her with water. According to the listing, "The winner will be bone dry while the loser will be a real drip - literally!" "A real drip"—isn't that a clever turn of phrase? Or not. How could you turn this one down? The U.K.-based vendor lists the product for ₤16.99 or approximately $29.25 U.S. and will ship it to anywhere in Europe, the U.S., or Canada. Since I'm suggesting this as a Christmas or Hanukah present, which are winter holidays in the northern hemisphere, I have just one piece of advice. This warning comes from me, someone who lives in Canada, not from the eBay seller. If you live in a cold climate, you might not want to play this game during the winter anywhere other than your own home. If you lose and then leave, you may freeze before you make it off the front porch. Your hosts might find that having you as a statue on their veranda makes for a great neighborhood conversation piece, but you'll probably get a tad hungry before being freed by the spring thaw.

For the gamers on your list who might be looking for devices that are a little more high tech than the arm wrestling water game, how about some Laser Shock Guns, which carried a starting bid of ₤24.50 or about $42.17 U.S. when I looked at it? The eBay listing claims that it's a "Christmas Gift to Shock the Family!" This product comes with two guns and two chest plates. Each player straps on a chest plate and picks up a gun. If there's a direct hit on your chest plate you receive a shock through the handle of your gun. You can adjust the power setting to (I'll quote directly because the political correctness squad would come down on me if I said this myself) "high for hardmen [sic] and low for wimps or little girls!!" (Why are there always so many exclamation marks in these ads? Never mind. It was a rhetorical question.) Oh, when they say "little girls," don't read that too literally. It's not intended for children under 14. And the listing says you should read the warning panel before use, although it doesn't provide the text from that warning in the listing. Maybe I'm just one of the wimps they're talking about, but I'd kind of like to read those warnings before I even buy the product, not just before I use it. But, if you're less cautious than I am (or you don't particularly like the people you're buying the gift for), go for it. I should also mention that the listing says, "This item is not a toy." Excuse me? Not a toy? So they're saying that those duels that you can challenge your friends or enemies to aren't supposed to be games, but real duels? I think I'll pass. This one goes against my pacifistic nature, but it's up to you.

OK, maybe none of the above gifts interest you, but here's a very romantic present you can buy for your sweetheart: a Disney Mickey Colorful Flash LEDLight R147. It's a nightlight shaped like Mickey Mouse. What? You don't think that's very romantic? Well, it must be because it says it's romantic right in the eBay listing. There's no way the vendor would lie about something like that. Actually, what the listing says is, "Frequently alterative multi-color neon light make you car room very romantic." If you have the seller of this item on your gift list, you might consider giving him or her a gift certificate for English as a Second Language lessons. But grammar and the fact that neon is not a synonym for LED aside, I agree with the romantic part. I can't see what could possibly be more romantic than a Mickey Mouse light. Then again, maybe that's why I'm such a lonely guy. If you're thinking of buying a few of these as nightlights for your children's rooms, you'd better make them sleep out in the car because the light is designed to plug into a vehicle's cigarette lighter, not a household outlet.

Why not buy the voyeurs on your list the world's smallest monocular telescope for just $15.00 Australian dollars (about $11.07 U.S.). The vendor will ship it anywhere in the world. I can't vouch for the fact that it's the world's smallest, but the picture accompanying the listing shows it sitting comfortably in the palm of someone's hand. With this gift, your voyeur friends will be able to practice their hobby while minimizing the risk of getting caught at it. What makes this a particularly wonderful present is that there's just way too much privacy in the world.

If those voyeurs aren't going to be satisfied with just a visual experience or you're afraid they might think you're chintzy if you spend only $11.07 on them, why not add the HCTV Super Ear? This "Amazing listening device!" will allow your gift recipient to "hear people from far away!!!!" This product has to be truly astounding because the listing included five exclamation marks in a single line, not to mention a whole bunch of others scattered throughout the text. This incredible gift item can be yours for just $9.99. You'd better hurry because when I looked there were only 48 left, although there were a few other vendors offering similar products on eBay. Why do I think this would make a wonderful gift? Ditto on the "there's just way to much privacy in the world" thing. (It's been brought to my attention that my sarcasm isn't always obvious. You just read some.)

Do you have any paranoid parents on you list? Consider giving them a wireless, pinhole nanny camera. The vendor I looked at had 100 of them available at $54.95. You know it's a real deal because, according to the seller, the suggested retail price is $199.99. The parents you give this to can hide it anywhere and record what their babysitter does while they're away. And they might be able to make a little money out of your gift. If their babysitter decides to engage in some particularly heavy necking with her boyfriend after the kids have gone off to sleep, the resulting video should fetch a good price on the Internet. What else makes this product a wonderful gift? Well, don't forget that "too much privacy" thing. (Also don't forget that sarcasm thing.)

If you need to buy a gift for someone who is self-conscious about the thinness of her lips, here's one for you. There's a vendor on eBay who wants to sell you a lip plumping serum. I'm certain this stuff works because the seller claims to have come up with the idea for the serum when she realized that the skin on her lips is very similar to the skin on penises and breasts. (Sorry for that mental image. I'm just reporting what I read on eBay.) So, she mixed together highly concentrated extracts of the ingredients of the enlargement potions that were promoted in spam she received. According to the rather long description in the listing, just seven seconds after she applied the new serum, her lips began to pulsate as if they had been stung by a hive of bees. She reports that she quickly had plump, full lips, and the effect didn't begin to fade for two and a half hours. Despite what you are probably thinking, no, I'm not making this up. The best part is you can buy this serum on eBay for just $9.99. As the listing says, "Why pay the retail price of $75 per bottle?" Excuse me? The retail price? Just exactly which retail store can I buy this in?

One last gift suggestion and this one is suitable for everyone on your list: a ghost meter. A number of vendors are selling versions of this product on eBay. The one I looked at listed it at $19.95. The user of this gift will be alerted to the presence of a ghost by light, sound, and a needle indicator. This particular ghost meter even offers both low and ultra-high frequencies so you can "find all supernatural activity faster!" But wait! There's more! According to the listing, "This meter improves Ouija board performance by a factor of 10!" And again, no, I'm not making this stuff up. The listing didn't mention it, but I offer one more piece of advice. Before you give this as a gift, you might want to check it out yourself. If the light flashes every time you look at it, instead of a ghost meter, the company that sells this product might have accidentally shipped you its sucker meter instead.

Well that's it for my gift guidance for this year. I know you're going to be busy surfing over to eBay to nab all of this great stuff before the holidays, so I'll understand if you don't get around to thanking me until January.

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. He is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. All kidding aside, he highly recommends the book BYTE-ing Satire as an absolutely wonderful gift for everyone on your list. In fact, he recommends that you add several complete strangers to your list and give them the book too. Then again, he would recommend that, wouldn't he?

Joel Klebanoff

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto.


MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.

BYTE-ing Satire BYTE-ing Satire
Find out the hilarious answer to the eternal question: "Is technology more hindrance than help?"
List Price $14.95

Now On Sale

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

LATEST COMMENTS

Support MC Press Online

$

Book Reviews

Resource Center

  • SB Profound WC 5536 Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application. You can find Part 1 here. In Part 2 of our free Node.js Webinar Series, Brian May teaches you the different tooling options available for writing code, debugging, and using Git for version control. Brian will briefly discuss the different tools available, and demonstrate his preferred setup for Node development on IBM i or any platform. Attend this webinar to learn:

  • SB Profound WP 5539More than ever, there is a demand for IT to deliver innovation. Your IBM i has been an essential part of your business operations for years. However, your organization may struggle to maintain the current system and implement new projects. The thousands of customers we've worked with and surveyed state that expectations regarding the digital footprint and vision of the company are not aligned with the current IT environment.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT Generic IBM announced the E1080 servers using the latest Power10 processor in September 2021. The most powerful processor from IBM to date, Power10 is designed to handle the demands of doing business in today’s high-tech atmosphere, including running cloud applications, supporting big data, and managing AI workloads. But what does Power10 mean for your data center? In this recorded webinar, IBMers Dan Sundt and Dylan Boday join IBM Power Champion Tom Huntington for a discussion on why Power10 technology is the right strategic investment if you run IBM i, AIX, or Linux. In this action-packed hour, Tom will share trends from the IBM i and AIX user communities while Dan and Dylan dive into the tech specs for key hardware, including:

  • Magic MarkTRY the one package that solves all your document design and printing challenges on all your platforms. Produce bar code labels, electronic forms, ad hoc reports, and RFID tags – without programming! MarkMagic is the only document design and print solution that combines report writing, WYSIWYG label and forms design, and conditional printing in one integrated product. Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Request your trial now!  Request Now.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericForms of ransomware has been around for over 30 years, and with more and more organizations suffering attacks each year, it continues to endure. What has made ransomware such a durable threat and what is the best way to combat it? In order to prevent ransomware, organizations must first understand how it works.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericIT security is a top priority for businesses around the world, but most IBM i pros don’t know where to begin—and most cybersecurity experts don’t know IBM i. In this session, Robin Tatam explores the business impact of lax IBM i security, the top vulnerabilities putting IBM i at risk, and the steps you can take to protect your organization. If you’re looking to avoid unexpected downtime or corrupted data, you don’t want to miss this session.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericCan you trust all of your users all of the time? A typical end user receives 16 malicious emails each month, but only 17 percent of these phishing campaigns are reported to IT. Once an attack is underway, most organizations won’t discover the breach until six months later. A staggering amount of damage can occur in that time. Despite these risks, 93 percent of organizations are leaving their IBM i systems vulnerable to cybercrime. In this on-demand webinar, IBM i security experts Robin Tatam and Sandi Moore will reveal:

  • FORTRA Disaster protection is vital to every business. Yet, it often consists of patched together procedures that are prone to error. From automatic backups to data encryption to media management, Robot automates the routine (yet often complex) tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAManaging messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. Messages need a response and resources must be monitored—often over multiple systems and across platforms. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events? Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAThe thought of printing, distributing, and storing iSeries reports manually may reduce you to tears. Paper and labor costs associated with report generation can spiral out of control. Mountains of paper threaten to swamp your files. Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing. Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAFor over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i. With batch job creation and scheduling at its core, the Robot Job Scheduling Solution reduces the opportunity for human error and helps you maintain service levels, automating even the biggest, most complex runbooks. Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:

  • LANSA Business users want new applications now. Market and regulatory pressures require faster application updates and delivery into production. Your IBM i developers may be approaching retirement, and you see no sure way to fill their positions with experienced developers. In addition, you may be caught between maintaining your existing applications and the uncertainty of moving to something new.

  • LANSAWhen it comes to creating your business applications, there are hundreds of coding platforms and programming languages to choose from. These options range from very complex traditional programming languages to Low-Code platforms where sometimes no traditional coding experience is needed. Download our whitepaper, The Power of Writing Code in a Low-Code Solution, and:

  • LANSASupply Chain is becoming increasingly complex and unpredictable. From raw materials for manufacturing to food supply chains, the journey from source to production to delivery to consumers is marred with inefficiencies, manual processes, shortages, recalls, counterfeits, and scandals. In this webinar, we discuss how:

  • The MC Resource Centers bring you the widest selection of white papers, trial software, and on-demand webcasts for you to choose from. >> Review the list of White Papers, Trial Software or On-Demand Webcast at the MC Press Resource Center. >> Add the items to yru Cart and complet he checkout process and submit

  • Profound Logic Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application.

  • SB Profound WC 5536Join us for this hour-long webcast that will explore:

  • Fortra IT managers hoping to find new IBM i talent are discovering that the pool of experienced RPG programmers and operators or administrators with intimate knowledge of the operating system and the applications that run on it is small. This begs the question: How will you manage the platform that supports such a big part of your business? This guide offers strategies and software suggestions to help you plan IT staffing and resources and smooth the transition after your AS/400 talent retires. Read on to learn: