29
Fri, Nov
0 New Articles

Keep the Scumware Flowing

Commentary
Typography
  • Smaller Small Medium Big Bigger
  • Default Helvetica Segoe Georgia Times

I've been doing some serious thinking. Whoa! I better lie down for a while. That hurts. It hurts like hell!

. . . OK. I've taken a mega-dose of analgesic. I think I can struggle on. As I said, I've been thinking. In previous tirades, I've done an awful lot of whining and complaining (my only two real skills) about the, as I've so lamentably considered them in the past, vicious, evil, scum-sucking degenerates who are foisting spyware, spam, viruses, Trojan horses, and other malevolent bits and bytes on us. I'm beginning to change my mind about them. I'm no longer so sure that they're entirely bad.

Think about it. If it weren't for them, thousands--maybe even millions--of honest, hard-working people would be out pounding the pavement. Well, maybe only a few of the more mentally challenged of them would be actually pounding pavement, since that seems like such a fruitless endeavor. Most of them would be looking for work, but you get the picture.

Loaded on my computer right now, I have a firewall, an anti-virus program, an anti-spyware program, and a spam filter. All of them are either running continuously in the background or waiting to go to work as soon as email comes knocking on my computer's door. Their sole purpose is to protect me, or rather to try to protect me, from the electronic nastiness that regularly comes my way. In addition, there's another firewall on the router that stands between my DSL modem and my computer. There is also a second spam filter running on a server at my Internet Service Provider (ISP).

If it weren't for the evil varieties of hackers, con artists, sleazy marketers (no, despite what you might have heard, we're not all sleazy), and just plain crooks who send all of the wicked stuff our way, neither I nor anyone else would need any of the protective software. In addition to being a tad upsetting for the shareholders of the companies that make these products, such an eventuality would throw a lot of developers at many companies out of work. And what would happen to all of the people who write the totally incomprehensible users' manuals for these tools? It takes a lot of person-years to compose those documents. Do you think it's easy to put together a complete manual that appears to be written in English, yet cannot be unambiguously understood in its entirety by a single soul in the English-speaking world?

Furthermore, killing the market for protective software would also cut off the incomes of the vendors' executives, managers, marketers, salespeople, customer aggravators (companies that play fast and loose with the truth sometimes refer to them as customer service representatives), support staff, maintenance workers, cafeteria chefs and servers, onsite masseuses, in-house fitness instructors, pinball machine repairers, and the people who clean the washrooms. Obviously, I'm exaggerating a little bit here. Even if you don't have a job, you still have to go, so the washroom cleaners could probably find other jobs quickly.

It's not just companies developing protective software that would be in trouble. If I didn't have to run all of those applications, a 20-year-old pocket calculator would probably provide enough computing power to meet my needs. Of course, I'd have to also get rid of all of the bloatware from a certain exceptionally large software company headquartered in Redmond, Washington, which I won't name. Let's just call it MS to protect its identity; its identity is not what matters here. Think of all of the computer manufacturing jobs in China that would be lost if we didn't have to replace our obsolete computers every few months when they no longer have enough power to run all of the new, expanded protective software that we now need.

Then there are all of the security consultants charging unconscionably large fees to, first, offer advice to companies on ways to secure their data centers and desktop computers and, second, either run like the wind (gale force, at least) before something defeats the prescribed defenses or make sure that they've already found someone else to blame for the failure. What would they do if there were no longer any risks to protect against? There's no market for snake oil today, so they'd have to look elsewhere. (I apologize in advance for that cheap shot. It's totally unfair. I went for the easy laugh. If you're a security consultant, you are, no doubt, one of the many fine exceptions that prove the rule. Or maybe not. You decide.)

I can't remember the last single day when I saw less than a half dozen articles talking about some new computer threat, an old threat that has worsened or morphed into something else, the consequences of the threats, or what we should do to protect ourselves from them. And those are just the articles that my eyes alight on. I only peruse a very small fraction of 1% of the publications that are available in the world. There are undoubtedly many more articles about technology malfeasance that I never see. If there weren't any of these sorts of stories to report on, what would all of the journalists walking the high tech beat do? They'd be seeking new employment too. That's what.

I can confirm the previous statement. I know that if there weren't all of the high tech evilness that there is in the world today I'd certainly have trouble finding things to rant about every week. But that's OK. Don't worry about me. I'm not important. I'll suffer. By the way, have I ever mentioned my Jewish heritage? Suffering is my middle name. I've never forgiven my parents for that.

Even if you aren't a computer journalist and you don't work for a software or hardware firm, your job may still not be safe. Consider how much time ordinary employees at companies of all sorts, and the IT support staff who have to hold their hands, spend installing all of the preventative software and fixing the problems caused by the electronic vandalism that inevitably sneaks past it. If we could eliminate all of that wasted time, companies could probably cut their staffs in half and still get as much productive work done, if not more. So while you're at work, look at the person to the left of you and the person to right. If we can get rid of all of the garbage that haunts our computers, one of those people might be gone tomorrow. While you're at it, look in the mirror. You might be the one who gets the axe.

There will also be a lot of secondary job losses. It's hard to afford a grande, low-fat, decaf, caramel, macchiato, extra-hot, extra-foam latte and a chocolate croissant when you haven't got a steady income--or any income at all for that matter. So you can say goodbye to a lot of baristas too. While I'm at it, think how much less time we'd spend in line-ups at Starbucks if people would just ask for a doppio espresso instead of all of that sissified crap. What are they, little wimps who are afraid it'll keep them awake at night? Big deal! Get over it! You probably sleep way too much anyway. But I digress.

Another regrettable outcome is that a lot of people who would have bought new cars will, for economic reasons, be forced to buy used (sorry, pre-owned) vehicles instead. Unfortunately that will mean that, in addition to a lot fewer workers at car plants and new car dealers, we'll have to put up with a lot more used car salespeople. There are a lot of jokes about loud, plaid suits and loud lying that I could use here, but they are all way too obvious, so I'll pass.

Spend just a few moments pondering the inevitable effects of those massive job losses. The world economy would collapse. There would be widespread poverty. Poverty would lead to famine. The resulting malnutrition would lead to weakened immune systems. Weakened immune systems, coupled with the festering bacteria seeping from sewage systems that are non-existent or degrading due to under-funding, would lead to wide-ranging incidences of deadly diseases. Oppressive poverty would also breed looting and other violent acts. Citizens would mount the ramparts, demanding that their governments act decisively. Outbursts of rioting, rebellions, and insurgencies would occur in various spots around the world. In other words, it would look very much like an average day on the planet, only more so. And who wants that?

So, please, before you do anything else today, remember to take the time to say a heartfelt thank you to your friendly local malevolent hackers and spam artists. Make them your friends. Buy them a round of drinks. Your job and the very fabric of society may depend on it. Just keep them the hell away from my damned computer!

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. He would like to offer this warning to readers: This is a work of satire. Some people may not recognize it as such and, because of that and the occasional use of harsh language, will be offended by what they read. They are advised to use their discretion and not read the article if it is likely to upset them. Oops. This warning should have gone at the head of the column. Sorry.

Joel Klebanoff

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto.


MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.

BYTE-ing Satire BYTE-ing Satire
Find out the hilarious answer to the eternal question: "Is technology more hindrance than help?"
List Price $14.95

Now On Sale

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

LATEST COMMENTS

Support MC Press Online

$

Book Reviews

Resource Center

  • SB Profound WC 5536 Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application. You can find Part 1 here. In Part 2 of our free Node.js Webinar Series, Brian May teaches you the different tooling options available for writing code, debugging, and using Git for version control. Brian will briefly discuss the different tools available, and demonstrate his preferred setup for Node development on IBM i or any platform. Attend this webinar to learn:

  • SB Profound WP 5539More than ever, there is a demand for IT to deliver innovation. Your IBM i has been an essential part of your business operations for years. However, your organization may struggle to maintain the current system and implement new projects. The thousands of customers we've worked with and surveyed state that expectations regarding the digital footprint and vision of the company are not aligned with the current IT environment.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT Generic IBM announced the E1080 servers using the latest Power10 processor in September 2021. The most powerful processor from IBM to date, Power10 is designed to handle the demands of doing business in today’s high-tech atmosphere, including running cloud applications, supporting big data, and managing AI workloads. But what does Power10 mean for your data center? In this recorded webinar, IBMers Dan Sundt and Dylan Boday join IBM Power Champion Tom Huntington for a discussion on why Power10 technology is the right strategic investment if you run IBM i, AIX, or Linux. In this action-packed hour, Tom will share trends from the IBM i and AIX user communities while Dan and Dylan dive into the tech specs for key hardware, including:

  • Magic MarkTRY the one package that solves all your document design and printing challenges on all your platforms. Produce bar code labels, electronic forms, ad hoc reports, and RFID tags – without programming! MarkMagic is the only document design and print solution that combines report writing, WYSIWYG label and forms design, and conditional printing in one integrated product. Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Request your trial now!  Request Now.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericForms of ransomware has been around for over 30 years, and with more and more organizations suffering attacks each year, it continues to endure. What has made ransomware such a durable threat and what is the best way to combat it? In order to prevent ransomware, organizations must first understand how it works.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericIT security is a top priority for businesses around the world, but most IBM i pros don’t know where to begin—and most cybersecurity experts don’t know IBM i. In this session, Robin Tatam explores the business impact of lax IBM i security, the top vulnerabilities putting IBM i at risk, and the steps you can take to protect your organization. If you’re looking to avoid unexpected downtime or corrupted data, you don’t want to miss this session.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericCan you trust all of your users all of the time? A typical end user receives 16 malicious emails each month, but only 17 percent of these phishing campaigns are reported to IT. Once an attack is underway, most organizations won’t discover the breach until six months later. A staggering amount of damage can occur in that time. Despite these risks, 93 percent of organizations are leaving their IBM i systems vulnerable to cybercrime. In this on-demand webinar, IBM i security experts Robin Tatam and Sandi Moore will reveal:

  • FORTRA Disaster protection is vital to every business. Yet, it often consists of patched together procedures that are prone to error. From automatic backups to data encryption to media management, Robot automates the routine (yet often complex) tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAManaging messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. Messages need a response and resources must be monitored—often over multiple systems and across platforms. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events? Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAThe thought of printing, distributing, and storing iSeries reports manually may reduce you to tears. Paper and labor costs associated with report generation can spiral out of control. Mountains of paper threaten to swamp your files. Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing. Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAFor over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i. With batch job creation and scheduling at its core, the Robot Job Scheduling Solution reduces the opportunity for human error and helps you maintain service levels, automating even the biggest, most complex runbooks. Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:

  • LANSA Business users want new applications now. Market and regulatory pressures require faster application updates and delivery into production. Your IBM i developers may be approaching retirement, and you see no sure way to fill their positions with experienced developers. In addition, you may be caught between maintaining your existing applications and the uncertainty of moving to something new.

  • LANSAWhen it comes to creating your business applications, there are hundreds of coding platforms and programming languages to choose from. These options range from very complex traditional programming languages to Low-Code platforms where sometimes no traditional coding experience is needed. Download our whitepaper, The Power of Writing Code in a Low-Code Solution, and:

  • LANSASupply Chain is becoming increasingly complex and unpredictable. From raw materials for manufacturing to food supply chains, the journey from source to production to delivery to consumers is marred with inefficiencies, manual processes, shortages, recalls, counterfeits, and scandals. In this webinar, we discuss how:

  • The MC Resource Centers bring you the widest selection of white papers, trial software, and on-demand webcasts for you to choose from. >> Review the list of White Papers, Trial Software or On-Demand Webcast at the MC Press Resource Center. >> Add the items to yru Cart and complet he checkout process and submit

  • Profound Logic Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application.

  • SB Profound WC 5536Join us for this hour-long webcast that will explore:

  • Fortra IT managers hoping to find new IBM i talent are discovering that the pool of experienced RPG programmers and operators or administrators with intimate knowledge of the operating system and the applications that run on it is small. This begs the question: How will you manage the platform that supports such a big part of your business? This guide offers strategies and software suggestions to help you plan IT staffing and resources and smooth the transition after your AS/400 talent retires. Read on to learn: