04
Mon, Nov
1 New Articles

Calling the Helpless Line

Commentary
Typography
  • Smaller Small Medium Big Bigger
  • Default Helvetica Segoe Georgia Times

I'm about to give you some advice that you should thank me for immensely. Nonetheless, you'll never know how much you are in my debt because, by following my advice, you will avoid a colossal nuisance and never learn just how frustrating it can be. But trust me; you owe me big time for this.

Here it is: If you ever have a problem with a piece of Microsoft software, but you can live with the problem, do so, no matter how inconvenient it may be. Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances try to resolve it. In particular, no matter how tempting it might be, never, never, never call the Microsoft helpline about it. Life is way, way, way too short for that.

One hour, 48 minutes, and 37 seconds: That's how long I had been on the call with Microsoft support. The call ended only because I insisted on giving up, not because the problem had been resolved. Microsoft wanted to continue, but I said no. I was not going to sit on hold one minute longer listening to an unbearable voice telling me every 30 seconds what's new on MSN.

Now that I've got that rant off my chest, let me back up and explain how this came about. A little while ago, I upgraded to Microsoft Office 2003. Why did I upgrade when every fiber of my being cries out to avoid upgrading software or hardware unless I absolutely have to? I recently installed Microsoft OneNote--a great product if your job involves a lot of note-taking and idea creation. Unfortunately, there are some nifty integration features that work only if you use Office 2003, not Office XP, my previous version. That's clever on Microsoft's part, wouldn't you say? They couldn't think of any other way to sucker me into upgrading, so they came up with some cool software that I can get full value from only by installing the latest version of Office. I guess that's why Bill Gates is always at the top of the richest people lists and I'd only get on if they published a list of the six billion richest.

Everything worked well, and I was happy, but one day I wanted to scan a document into Word. When I tried to do it, I found out that the Microsoft Office Document Scanning tool was not installed. Word, Office, Windows, or some other piece of software was intelligent enough to try to install it automatically, but when it did, rather than installing the scanning tool, it closed down Word and generated an error, error 2715 to be exact.

I have other ways to scan the document, but I tend to become obsessed with solving the problem when I run into stuff like this. It's part of my sickness.

Before calling Microsoft, I attempted a few things on my own, such as trying to manually install the missing feature from the Office CD. Nothing worked. I kept getting error 2715--nothing more, just "error 2715." There wasn't a message saying, "Here's what the problem is, and here's how to fix it." Just "error 2715."

The number 2715 was not the least bit meaningful to me, other than the fact that if you add 27 plus 15 you get 42 which, as we all know, is the answer to the riddle of the universe. (If you don't know that 42 is the answer to the riddle of the universe, I recommend that you read the late Douglas Adams' The Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy series.) That should have been an omen to me, but I didn't see it at the time.

Even if 2715 didn't mean anything to me, I was certain that it would mean something to the support staff at Microsoft. They have comprehensive, high-speed databases that can tell them in an instant what any error number means and how to resolve the issue. Oh yeah? Guess again.

First, I had to find the Microsoft support telephone number. It's not in the printed Microsoft Office Small Business Edition 2003 upgrade documentation (a booklet of 48 smaller-than-normal pages, seven of which are blank and two of which contain just legal notices and a table of contents). To find the number, I had to hunt through several pages on Microsoft's Web site.

Much to my amazement, when I called the support line, a real, live human being answered very quickly. (In retrospect, maybe I'm the only person who has ever actually found the number. A fast response was probably the prize for that little, unannounced contest.) I thought, "Wow, Microsoft isn't so bad after all." I should have known better.

The first support person collected identifying information and asked me about the problem. I described it in detail. She took that down along with information about which version of Office and Windows I was using. Then, to verify that I hadn't pirated the software, she asked me for a number that is "printed" on the Office disk. Don't be fooled. This is not really a test to foil software pirates. It's a test to weed out people with anything less than 20/20 vision and a ready magnifying glass. The number is not actually printed. It's etched into the inner ring of the disk. Have you ever tried to read a number etched into clear plastic in what I am guessing is about a one- or two-point font? Some particularly nefarious fiends must have spent years hatching this scheme.

The sadism does not stop there. When I finally spotted what I thought must be the number, after straining my eyes to the point of getting a massive headache, I realized that it was not just the number's smallness or lack of ink that made it difficult to read. It appeared inverted. In fact, the number was not etched on the labeled side of the disk, where you would expect it to be, but on the reverse. I flipped the disk over, put on my high-powered reading glasses and was finally able to prove that I am not a software thief. Isn't it nice to find out how much Microsoft trusts and respects its customers?

OK, now I was getting somewhere. How do I know that I was getting somewhere? The support person gave me a 15-character, alphanumeric case identifier. Finally, I was a number in their system. As you can imagine, that gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

Did this support person actually do anything to solve my problem? Oh yes, absolutely. She transferred me to somebody else.

I sat on hold for a while. Then I got another person who, after asking me to describe the problem that I had just described in detail to the previous person (isn't the information age wonderful?), had me to do all of the things that I'd already tried doing on my own. And, wonders of wonders, my computer responded with error 2715.

The support person then put me on hold while she conferred with someone else. Why she couldn't have just assumed that I was telling the truth about the problem and started off by conferring with someone else is beyond me, but never mind, now I really and truly was getting somewhere. A team was assembled with the sole purpose of solving my problem. I felt good. I felt confident. This was Microsoft, one of the largest companies on the planet. Surely, they'd find a solution to my trivial problem. So, what's the solution that they came up with after putting their heads together and keeping me on hold for a long while? "It sounds like a Word problem. Let me transfer you to someone in that group." Gee, thanks.

What's the first thing (after asking me to describe the problem a third time, of course) that the Word support person asked me to do? I'll give you a moment to think about it. OK, time's up. She asked me to do the same thing that I had just finished trying unsuccessfully to do with the previous support person, which was the same thing that I had tried unsuccessfully to do on my own before speaking to any of them. And--the surprises just keep on coming--I got yet another error 2715.

"So let me just confirm," the support person said. "You're getting error 2751."

"No," I said, trying without complete success to remain calm, "I'm still getting 2715; not 2751. I've always been getting 2715. If it says anything else on your system, it's wrong."

"Right," she said, "2751."

After a couple of iterations of this conversation, she finally got it right.

"OK, there's probably a corrupt file," she said, "Let's try uninstalling Office tools (some tools other than document scanning were already installed on my computer) and then reinstall them."

I successfully uninstalled the Office tools, but when I tried to reinstall them I got...wait for it...the dreaded error 2715. Now, I have fewer Office tools installed than when I began this little exercise in futility.

Next, the support person had me start up my computer in safe mode. Safe mode is a wonderful invention that allows you start up Windows without running a lot of the background processes that can cause problems. Sorry, there are no points for guessing one of the things that can't run in safe mode, at least not on my computer. That's right. Office installer refused to run.

The support person then put me on hold for several minutes while she discussed the problem with her boss. When she came back on the line, she had the ultimate solution. She wanted to transfer me to someone else. Oh yes, I remember this belief system from my program debugging days. "Just one more run, and it's going to work." Yeah, right.

That's when I looked at the timer on my telephone and saw that one hour, 48 minutes, and 37 seconds had elapsed. I very politely called it quits. "No, I will not sit on hold while you transfer me to somebody else. If they have a fix, they can call me or email me."

So there you have it. After one hour, 48 minutes, and 37 seconds, I have less working software on my computer than I had when I started. Feel free to thank me now. By the way, does anyone know where I can get a really good deal on a Mac?

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. He is a single, white, male computer user who is desperately seeking software that will be sensitive and supportive of his needs and work for him, not against him.

Joel Klebanoff

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto.


MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.

BYTE-ing Satire BYTE-ing Satire
Find out the hilarious answer to the eternal question: "Is technology more hindrance than help?"
List Price $14.95

Now On Sale

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

LATEST COMMENTS

Support MC Press Online

$

Book Reviews

Resource Center

  • SB Profound WC 5536 Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application. You can find Part 1 here. In Part 2 of our free Node.js Webinar Series, Brian May teaches you the different tooling options available for writing code, debugging, and using Git for version control. Brian will briefly discuss the different tools available, and demonstrate his preferred setup for Node development on IBM i or any platform. Attend this webinar to learn:

  • SB Profound WP 5539More than ever, there is a demand for IT to deliver innovation. Your IBM i has been an essential part of your business operations for years. However, your organization may struggle to maintain the current system and implement new projects. The thousands of customers we've worked with and surveyed state that expectations regarding the digital footprint and vision of the company are not aligned with the current IT environment.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT Generic IBM announced the E1080 servers using the latest Power10 processor in September 2021. The most powerful processor from IBM to date, Power10 is designed to handle the demands of doing business in today’s high-tech atmosphere, including running cloud applications, supporting big data, and managing AI workloads. But what does Power10 mean for your data center? In this recorded webinar, IBMers Dan Sundt and Dylan Boday join IBM Power Champion Tom Huntington for a discussion on why Power10 technology is the right strategic investment if you run IBM i, AIX, or Linux. In this action-packed hour, Tom will share trends from the IBM i and AIX user communities while Dan and Dylan dive into the tech specs for key hardware, including:

  • Magic MarkTRY the one package that solves all your document design and printing challenges on all your platforms. Produce bar code labels, electronic forms, ad hoc reports, and RFID tags – without programming! MarkMagic is the only document design and print solution that combines report writing, WYSIWYG label and forms design, and conditional printing in one integrated product. Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Request your trial now!  Request Now.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericForms of ransomware has been around for over 30 years, and with more and more organizations suffering attacks each year, it continues to endure. What has made ransomware such a durable threat and what is the best way to combat it? In order to prevent ransomware, organizations must first understand how it works.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericIT security is a top priority for businesses around the world, but most IBM i pros don’t know where to begin—and most cybersecurity experts don’t know IBM i. In this session, Robin Tatam explores the business impact of lax IBM i security, the top vulnerabilities putting IBM i at risk, and the steps you can take to protect your organization. If you’re looking to avoid unexpected downtime or corrupted data, you don’t want to miss this session.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericCan you trust all of your users all of the time? A typical end user receives 16 malicious emails each month, but only 17 percent of these phishing campaigns are reported to IT. Once an attack is underway, most organizations won’t discover the breach until six months later. A staggering amount of damage can occur in that time. Despite these risks, 93 percent of organizations are leaving their IBM i systems vulnerable to cybercrime. In this on-demand webinar, IBM i security experts Robin Tatam and Sandi Moore will reveal:

  • FORTRA Disaster protection is vital to every business. Yet, it often consists of patched together procedures that are prone to error. From automatic backups to data encryption to media management, Robot automates the routine (yet often complex) tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAManaging messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. Messages need a response and resources must be monitored—often over multiple systems and across platforms. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events? Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAThe thought of printing, distributing, and storing iSeries reports manually may reduce you to tears. Paper and labor costs associated with report generation can spiral out of control. Mountains of paper threaten to swamp your files. Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing. Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAFor over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i. With batch job creation and scheduling at its core, the Robot Job Scheduling Solution reduces the opportunity for human error and helps you maintain service levels, automating even the biggest, most complex runbooks. Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:

  • LANSA Business users want new applications now. Market and regulatory pressures require faster application updates and delivery into production. Your IBM i developers may be approaching retirement, and you see no sure way to fill their positions with experienced developers. In addition, you may be caught between maintaining your existing applications and the uncertainty of moving to something new.

  • LANSAWhen it comes to creating your business applications, there are hundreds of coding platforms and programming languages to choose from. These options range from very complex traditional programming languages to Low-Code platforms where sometimes no traditional coding experience is needed. Download our whitepaper, The Power of Writing Code in a Low-Code Solution, and:

  • LANSASupply Chain is becoming increasingly complex and unpredictable. From raw materials for manufacturing to food supply chains, the journey from source to production to delivery to consumers is marred with inefficiencies, manual processes, shortages, recalls, counterfeits, and scandals. In this webinar, we discuss how:

  • The MC Resource Centers bring you the widest selection of white papers, trial software, and on-demand webcasts for you to choose from. >> Review the list of White Papers, Trial Software or On-Demand Webcast at the MC Press Resource Center. >> Add the items to yru Cart and complet he checkout process and submit

  • Profound Logic Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application.

  • SB Profound WC 5536Join us for this hour-long webcast that will explore:

  • Fortra IT managers hoping to find new IBM i talent are discovering that the pool of experienced RPG programmers and operators or administrators with intimate knowledge of the operating system and the applications that run on it is small. This begs the question: How will you manage the platform that supports such a big part of your business? This guide offers strategies and software suggestions to help you plan IT staffing and resources and smooth the transition after your AS/400 talent retires. Read on to learn: