29
Fri, Nov
0 New Articles

Calling All Children

Commentary
Typography
  • Smaller Small Medium Big Bigger
  • Default Helvetica Segoe Georgia Times

My loyal reader will know that I usually use this space to whine and complain, not so much about technology itself, but about our use of it and about the ridiculous applications that technology vendors try to trick us into believing are the next big things that will radically change our lives for the better. This weekly exercise in lamenting can get quite depressing after a while, so I have to thank Victoria, the intrepid editor, for directing my attention to one vendor's technology application that is overwhelmingly positive. I need my spirits raised every once in a while; otherwise, I'd go crazy (or should I say crazier). Consequently, I warmly welcomed this news item. According to an April 5, 2006, New York Times article, the Walt Disney Corporation is introducing a wireless phone service targeted at parents who might want to give it to their children.

Considering all of my past tirades, my loyal reader is probably expecting me to rail long and loud against the very concept of cell phones for children. He or she is, no doubt, waiting for me to shout, "What the hell do children need cell phones for? They should be in school learning, doing homework, or outside getting some fresh air and playing with their friends." It's not going to happen. I'm not going to say that, shouting or not. If it were a question of an ordinary mobile phone service that an exceptionally greedy and morally bankrupt company was using to further enrich itself by trying to employ fear and guilt to get parents to buy the service for their terribly spoiled children then, yes, that's exactly how I'd feel. But that's definitely not the case with this new phone. Let me reemphasize the negative in the previous sentence in case any of Disney's lawyers are reading this. I think this is a good idea.

Disney's service allows parents to prevent the use of the phone during certain hours, such as when their children should be paying attention to a teacher in school. Parents will also be able to program emergency numbers, such as a home phone number or 911, into the phone. The article wasn't specific on this point, but I assume children will be able to dial those numbers even when the phone's usage is otherwise prohibited. In addition, parents will be able to restrict the amount of talk time, text messaging, and other services used on the phone each month so the charges can be kept to a reasonable limit. The phones can also be blocked from calling certain numbers so that children can't use them to, for example, call sex lines and the other nefarious phone services that are available today.

All of that is excellent, but the greatest benefit of this new phone is that parents will be able, by using a Global Positioning System service that is provided with the phone contract, to check on the location of their child's phone by logging into a Web site or by checking a service available through the parent's own cell phone.

This sounds fantastic to me. I'm a championship worrier. One of the reasons I'm childless is that, if I were a father, I'd be so intensely worried whenever my children were out of my sight for more than a few minutes that after an hour's absence I'd have to commit suicide, which seems like a rather steep price to pay for a brief period of fatherhood. The other, much more relevant reason I don't have any offspring is that I haven't been able to find a woman crazy enough to want to live with me, let alone bear my children. But never mind.

This phone seems perfect for parents who approach my level of angst. Think about it. Their children will be able to use the phones to summon help in an emergency, but they won't be able to make or answer calls when they're supposed to be doing something else. As if that's not enough, parents will be able to put their minds at ease and reassure themselves that their children are always where they're supposed to be. Furthermore, parents can do all of this without having to accept the risk of their children bankrupting the family by running up exorbitant usage fees.

As great as they are for parents, these phones are even better for the children. Not only will they be able to get one of these phones when their parents probably wouldn't be willing to give them a normal cell phone, but now the kids will be able to get away with doing absolutely anything they want to do, no matter how strongly forbidden by their parents, without having to worry about their parents catching or stopping them. How do I figure that? Consider the following scenario.

I take you now to the suburban home of Sam and Edna Schleml and their teenage daughter, Elvira. Sam and Edna have just settled into the comfy couch in their living room for their usual four hours of evening television viewing. Sam suddenly perks up and asks, "Where's Elvira? I haven't seen her since dinner."

"She went to study trigonometry with her good friend, that nice, trustworthy girl who lives down the street, Betty Sue," responds Edna.

"Oh really?" says Sam, with suspicion dripping from his voice. "She's been acting awfully rebellious lately. I've got a bad feeling that she was lying to you and is off doing who knows what. She told you that only because she knew that's what you wanted to hear. I can't believe how incredibly gullible you are sometimes. I'm going to go find out where she really is."

Sam stomps off to the den, where he uses the family computer to log into the Disney Web site and check up on Elvira's true location. He returns a few minutes later, looking somewhat sheepish.

"I've got to stop being so suspicious," sighs Sam. "We've done well. We raised a good, conscientious, honest daughter. She's over at Betty Sue's house, exactly as she told you she would be. Please don't let her know that I didn't trust her. I'm so ashamed that I could possibly think that of her. And I'm so sorry for calling you gullible. Please forgive me."

Little do Sam and Edna know, but Elvira was at Betty Sue's, although only long enough to drop off her cell phone. Now she's with her childhood friend, little Johnny, who's no longer so little. They're busy doing all of the things that Sam was, but no longer is, terrified she might be doing.

Of course, Elvira will have to be careful about who she chooses to use as her alibi. Her friend is going to have to be a quick thinker in case Sam or Edna decides to call Elvira on her cell phone for some reason. "Hi, Mr. Schleml. This is Betty Sue.... Yes, Elvira was here, but she went over to Mary's house to study trig with her. Mary is so much better at it than I am. Elvira may not have mentioned Mary to you yet because her family just moved in a few days ago. Elvira would have gone there first rather than coming here, but this is the day when Mary goes to the old folks' home after school to do volunteer work, and she just got back a little while ago.... Oh, yes, well I would have gone with Elvira, but I have some chores to do around the house, and I wanted to finish them first.... Why is her cell phone here and not with her? Well, you know Elvira. She's very absent-minded when she's deeply engrossed in her studies. She just forgot it, that's all.... No, I'm sorry I don't have a phone number for Mary. Her parents are devout Old Order Amish, and they don't have a phone. In fact, now that I think of it, that's probably why Elvira left her phone here. She's so awesomely considerate that she wouldn't want to offend Mary's family. I've never seen anyone as respectful of her elders as Elvira. If you'd like, I could run over to Mary's and give Elvira a message. It really wouldn't be any trouble at all.... No? Well, OK, I won't bother then. Bye."

Oh yeah, this phone is going to be great. Kids will be able to do whatever the hell they want and parents will be able to deceive themselves into thinking that there's nothing to worry about. It sounds good to me.

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, a writer, and president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto, Canada-based marketing communications firm. He is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. Joel has 25 years experience working in IT, first as a programmer/analyst and then as a marketer. He holds a Bachelor of Science in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto. Contact Joel at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. He would like to assure his readers that the story of the Schlemls was fabricated. Obviously, your children would never be that devious.

Joel Klebanoff

Joel Klebanoff is a consultant, writer, and formerly president of Klebanoff Associates, Inc., a Toronto-based marketing communications firm. He has 30 years' experience in various IT capacities and now specializes in writing articles, white papers, and case studies for IT vendors and publications across North America. Joel is also the author of BYTE-ing Satire, a compilation of a year's worth of his columns. He holds a BS in computer science and an MBA, both from the University of Toronto.


MC Press books written by Joel Klebanoff available now on the MC Press Bookstore.

BYTE-ing Satire BYTE-ing Satire
Find out the hilarious answer to the eternal question: "Is technology more hindrance than help?"
List Price $14.95

Now On Sale

BLOG COMMENTS POWERED BY DISQUS

LATEST COMMENTS

Support MC Press Online

$

Book Reviews

Resource Center

  • SB Profound WC 5536 Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application. You can find Part 1 here. In Part 2 of our free Node.js Webinar Series, Brian May teaches you the different tooling options available for writing code, debugging, and using Git for version control. Brian will briefly discuss the different tools available, and demonstrate his preferred setup for Node development on IBM i or any platform. Attend this webinar to learn:

  • SB Profound WP 5539More than ever, there is a demand for IT to deliver innovation. Your IBM i has been an essential part of your business operations for years. However, your organization may struggle to maintain the current system and implement new projects. The thousands of customers we've worked with and surveyed state that expectations regarding the digital footprint and vision of the company are not aligned with the current IT environment.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT Generic IBM announced the E1080 servers using the latest Power10 processor in September 2021. The most powerful processor from IBM to date, Power10 is designed to handle the demands of doing business in today’s high-tech atmosphere, including running cloud applications, supporting big data, and managing AI workloads. But what does Power10 mean for your data center? In this recorded webinar, IBMers Dan Sundt and Dylan Boday join IBM Power Champion Tom Huntington for a discussion on why Power10 technology is the right strategic investment if you run IBM i, AIX, or Linux. In this action-packed hour, Tom will share trends from the IBM i and AIX user communities while Dan and Dylan dive into the tech specs for key hardware, including:

  • Magic MarkTRY the one package that solves all your document design and printing challenges on all your platforms. Produce bar code labels, electronic forms, ad hoc reports, and RFID tags – without programming! MarkMagic is the only document design and print solution that combines report writing, WYSIWYG label and forms design, and conditional printing in one integrated product. Make sure your data survives when catastrophe hits. Request your trial now!  Request Now.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericForms of ransomware has been around for over 30 years, and with more and more organizations suffering attacks each year, it continues to endure. What has made ransomware such a durable threat and what is the best way to combat it? In order to prevent ransomware, organizations must first understand how it works.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericIT security is a top priority for businesses around the world, but most IBM i pros don’t know where to begin—and most cybersecurity experts don’t know IBM i. In this session, Robin Tatam explores the business impact of lax IBM i security, the top vulnerabilities putting IBM i at risk, and the steps you can take to protect your organization. If you’re looking to avoid unexpected downtime or corrupted data, you don’t want to miss this session.

  • SB HelpSystems ROBOT GenericCan you trust all of your users all of the time? A typical end user receives 16 malicious emails each month, but only 17 percent of these phishing campaigns are reported to IT. Once an attack is underway, most organizations won’t discover the breach until six months later. A staggering amount of damage can occur in that time. Despite these risks, 93 percent of organizations are leaving their IBM i systems vulnerable to cybercrime. In this on-demand webinar, IBM i security experts Robin Tatam and Sandi Moore will reveal:

  • FORTRA Disaster protection is vital to every business. Yet, it often consists of patched together procedures that are prone to error. From automatic backups to data encryption to media management, Robot automates the routine (yet often complex) tasks of iSeries backup and recovery, saving you time and money and making the process safer and more reliable. Automate your backups with the Robot Backup and Recovery Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAManaging messages on your IBM i can be more than a full-time job if you have to do it manually. Messages need a response and resources must be monitored—often over multiple systems and across platforms. How can you be sure you won’t miss important system events? Automate your message center with the Robot Message Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAThe thought of printing, distributing, and storing iSeries reports manually may reduce you to tears. Paper and labor costs associated with report generation can spiral out of control. Mountains of paper threaten to swamp your files. Robot automates report bursting, distribution, bundling, and archiving, and offers secure, selective online report viewing. Manage your reports with the Robot Report Management Solution. Key features include:

  • FORTRAFor over 30 years, Robot has been a leader in systems management for IBM i. With batch job creation and scheduling at its core, the Robot Job Scheduling Solution reduces the opportunity for human error and helps you maintain service levels, automating even the biggest, most complex runbooks. Manage your job schedule with the Robot Job Scheduling Solution. Key features include:

  • LANSA Business users want new applications now. Market and regulatory pressures require faster application updates and delivery into production. Your IBM i developers may be approaching retirement, and you see no sure way to fill their positions with experienced developers. In addition, you may be caught between maintaining your existing applications and the uncertainty of moving to something new.

  • LANSAWhen it comes to creating your business applications, there are hundreds of coding platforms and programming languages to choose from. These options range from very complex traditional programming languages to Low-Code platforms where sometimes no traditional coding experience is needed. Download our whitepaper, The Power of Writing Code in a Low-Code Solution, and:

  • LANSASupply Chain is becoming increasingly complex and unpredictable. From raw materials for manufacturing to food supply chains, the journey from source to production to delivery to consumers is marred with inefficiencies, manual processes, shortages, recalls, counterfeits, and scandals. In this webinar, we discuss how:

  • The MC Resource Centers bring you the widest selection of white papers, trial software, and on-demand webcasts for you to choose from. >> Review the list of White Papers, Trial Software or On-Demand Webcast at the MC Press Resource Center. >> Add the items to yru Cart and complet he checkout process and submit

  • Profound Logic Have you been wondering about Node.js? Our free Node.js Webinar Series takes you from total beginner to creating a fully-functional IBM i Node.js business application.

  • SB Profound WC 5536Join us for this hour-long webcast that will explore:

  • Fortra IT managers hoping to find new IBM i talent are discovering that the pool of experienced RPG programmers and operators or administrators with intimate knowledge of the operating system and the applications that run on it is small. This begs the question: How will you manage the platform that supports such a big part of your business? This guide offers strategies and software suggestions to help you plan IT staffing and resources and smooth the transition after your AS/400 talent retires. Read on to learn: